time to say goodbye

Tonight was the final blow for me. I'm so sad and hurt but ill get over this and find happiness one day. I tried talking to him and all he did was yell and turn his back to me. I still want to understand why he doesn't act like he loves me anymore or why he stopped loving me and why he treats me this way. I don't think I will ever get the answers I am needing. i have to see things this way. things are this way in our relationship, is this something i can live with, i dont see any changes or willingness to change from him. its all unfulfilled words, that always ends in broken words and promises. I want to be with him but not as we are now. He's making us as a couple miserable. I can't live this way. As much as I do not want to face it, we are over. What else can I do? What else can be done when only one of the couple cares enough to try? His heart isn't in this and its time for mine to check out. I have to let go and say goodbye. Its a very painful thing to want someone who doesn't want you back but my happiness is worth it. Goodbye.

Here It Is

I write here not to be judge by everything I say but to get my feelings and words out of my mind. I do not want to be worrying about my thoughts and I have a good experience with writing my thoughts so I can get past them or make heads or tails of them.
My relationship status is the same. I am with the same man who I love but what we have is not enough for me and it is not fulfilling me in a way that I expect a committed relationship to.
I need a man to be my friend and to be there for me when I need him the most. Like if I get sick I need to know that my man will take care of me and help me. I need to be able to count on him for emotional and physical support. I feel that when worst comes to worst he bails on me. He has a set schedule of things he does in his life and if I need him in those times I am shit out of luck. He will not change his schedule for me. I dont feel that I can count or trust that he would be there for me.
I have tried this theory out many times so I am not just saying that I think these things, I know them to be true. Which brings me to the questions I am asking myself now.
This relationship is not a healthy one, so since I am still here in it does that in some way mean that I am unhealthy as well to some degree?
Well on the radio that is what the DJ said. That if a person is in a unhealthy relationship then they to some degree are too unhealthy. That a healthy person can not live in an unhealthy relationship because it goes against nature so to speak.

I do all I can for him, and in every aspect of everything I do it is not good enough. The house work, cooking, sexual stuff... Its always complaints that I dont do this enough or I wont do this or I dont do this right....
Its funny too with the sexual stuff because I thought that you were supposed to both make each others fantasy to a point, come true. He doesnt have the slightest clue about mine because hes too worried about me not doing what he wants me to do. I dont do it enough he wants to do this and he wants to do this...blah blah blah...
But I do not ever get the things I want anymore out of it. I need romance and actual passion...something that we havent had in a very long time. I want to feel the way he feels about me when we make love...and make love is a term I use loosly. Its never that either...Its always the other...and I am not going to say it...but its like Im the call girl who is supposed to do everything he wants no matter what I want, and if I do not get anything out of it O WELL! Its been like this for awhile...and I just dont crave that from him anymore. I dont have a desire to be intimate with him. Honestly I think Im falling out of love with him every day. And I feel that he could care less. As long as I dont bother him with my emotions, or want to talk about my feelings or needs so it doesnt mess up his life hes fine.

He used to always say that in his family it was custom to introduce yourself serve people be friendly. I think this only applies to him and his family because whenever my friends or family come over he is rude and ignores them. Except my grand parents.

The radio DJ said some things that have me thinking even more.
I think I am in love with him and I want a life with him and his family, his kids and I want more than what we have now someday, but I dont think he is in love with me. I think he is in need of me. I think he needs a person to come home to and a warm body to lay next to. Someone to do things with and share responsibilities.
I dont feel love from him.


One thing that hurt my feelings was I was going to have my wisdom tooth taken out and I asked him if he was going to take care of me, make me soup...half way kidding...he said yeah but Im going to be home late, I have to go to my sons football practice.

I dont think this will ever change. What if I needed him? What if I was in pain and actually needed him to be there for me to baby me or take care of me or make me dinner or something...Isnt that what you do when your in a relationship?
Ive done it for him...I cant keep giving him everything and getting nothing in return...Its making me bitter and unhappy and frankly angry! Why do I get thrown out every single time? Im not the girl who is here for you everytime and will be here even though you dont want to make some sacrifices for me...Comprimise!


I think the bottom line is I cant live this way and I dont deserve to be treated this way.
I deserve a man who loves me and wants to show me, who isnt threatened by me asking for attention or help around the house or affection or the things I need from him.
I need a man to be my best friend and my lover.
I dont have that with him and from almost 2 years, I dont think it will happen. He cant show me what he doesnt feel. This is a bitter pill to swallow but I know its true now.

Just Stuff

While at the movies I noticed a family walk into the theater. They walked up the stairs and into their seats. A daughter then a Mom, a son and then another and their Dad all in that order went into a row close to where I was sitting and sat down. Then the sons got up without being asked and moved one seat over so their dad could sit next to their mom. The dad kissed the mom and began talking to one of his sons.
At this moment I realized that I will never have this kind of respect or relationship with my current b friend or his kids. In our family the kids get to pick where they sit and his kids usually surround their dad leaving me on the outskirts. As many times as I have tried to explain my feelings to him it seems to be unimportant. His kids consume every last bit of energy he has, physically and mentally leaving nothing for no one including me...He is an empty shell of a man when they are not around and when they are Im a ghost. There is no level of Im an adult in this relationship too and I should be a part of this and respected. I feel like it leaves me with no hope at all for this relationship and I should just give up and move on. I dont want to do that...and I guess we will see how much I can take before I do fall out of love with him...I just hope it doesnt come to that!

This Morning while in the bathroom I felt the morning breeze. First glanze at the bathroom window showed a half cracked open window, to my surprise! But after doing a double take I realize that it is in fact closed properly. The trees outside the window where still blowing in the cool breeze and I could no longer feel it.

I have a re-accuring "vision" so to speak. I can not say it is a dream beause I am wide awake when this scene replays in my mind.
I am swiming in a pool. A great big pool, and I am the only one in the pool at this time. I see my family, my aunts, uncles, mother, father, boyfriend, boyfriends kids, grand parents, cousins...., on the side standing over the water.
I am swiming under the water, and at first I am trying to figure out how long I can hold my breath under the water. I then realize that I can hold my breath infinitaly and I just swim around, like a mermaid. Im enjoying things down under the water but then start to ask myself what else can I do with this talen? I am confined to being under the water. What more does my life at this point have to offer? Is this all I will EVER do, swim carelessly under the water?? I begin to panick some, thoughts racing around in my head.
Then I hear my family getting loud. I cant hear what they are saying. They are yelling and pointing; I am under the water so I cant make out what they are saying.
I swim closer to the edge of the pool where they are lurking over and they are saying to me, "Kandace Breath!!"
The thought enters my mind like a stab in the heart and I think, Do they not know that if I breath my lungs will fill up with water and I will die?
Maybe that is what they are saying to me. At this point they are laughing and pointing at me.
I swim away and then it ends.

I think this is a metaphor for the way I feel right now.
The only question I have is HOW do I make it better???

Something

How do you get past your own feelings in order to be happy? Right now in my life things are spiralling out of control and I feel very helpless to stop them. All I want at this point is for things to be calm and happy, no tension...but everyday it is there waiting... Funny thing is I dont even know why it is like this.
I think sometimes I realize what is going on but right now I feel like I'm on a ride for the first time and I have no idea what is going to happen next, and that my friends is a very scary thing, especially when things are going downhill FAST!
I feel like a child who is expected to do all these things and expected to just shut up and listen. I am not sad anymore, I think now I'm getting angry. Although no one would know it. No body knows how I really feel...Does anyone ever ask and truly WANT you to answer the stupid question, "Whats wrong?" Does anyone even care to ask it?
Even if asked can you speak your mind FULLY without worrying about slipping up on a wrong word or two and causing a huge fight?
Not in my world. I say a ton of riduculous things and dont think that will ever change, in fact I dont think many things about me will ever change or that I even want them to!
I am messy and I HATE laundry and doing housework EVERYDAY! I want time at least one night a month away from my kids to have adult fun, I want to be loud and crazy sometimes and quiet and shy the next, I want to get drunk and have safe indoor fun, I want to go dancing....I dont want to be someones roomate and maid...which I feel right now..or to be comapared to the PERFECT EX wife...who I will NEVER be anything like....E-V-E-R.
I dont want to change or to try and be someone Im not just to make someone else happy...because after all I have been through at the end of the day I am just me...Nothing more.
I want to be someones equal. Someone who wants to share their life with me...not just let me live in theirs.
Im in a slump and I feel like I have to do something quick to help the situation...
Is it always so important to get your two cents out there in order to hear what someone else is feeling? Has ANYONE ever heard of just being there for someone else and NOT thinking about themselves? Doubt it.

Random things Im thinking and unless you have lived this before you do not know what Im talking about...but this is helpful for me...
At least I can talk (write) freely without judgement here!!
Thank God for that.

This Morning

So I got my kids dressed, groomed, fed and off to school.
I think today I will clean house, do laundry and try to find something creative to do...Maybe a new meal for tonights dinner?

With all the struggles and hard times and just plain stress in my life, I am lucky...In many ways

For Better or Worse

There are mnay types of Love. Most people are seaching for that once in a lifetime "true" love one cant live without.
What about the too much love person? You have those that cant seem to function without you glued to their sides, some would even debate that this type of love isnt love at all but in fact some form of attachement/abandonment disorder that they adapted before even laying eyes on you in the first place.
Its tricky...LOVE. You have to take accept that person plus all their expericances, or baggage as it is more poplulary known as, and try to build a realationship slowly.
You dont just see a attractive person, make eye contact and fall instantly in love, get married, but a house, car and dog, then have kids of your own, they die old in love together sitting on your front porch swing holding hands.
Its a process that for many if not careful is rushed. Patience, understanding, communication, acceptance, honesty....Blah Blah Blah.
Seems like so much for one person to do. To be ALL those things plus many many more, that your partner "needs" you to be. In fact it's impossible...
I guess that is where, For Better or Worse comes into effect, hu?
Just ask yourself this...
Can you live with the For Worse? Can you live forever with the For Worse?
Does the good really out weight the bad? Or is something else inspiring you to hold on?

I for one do not know any answers when it comes to love...It is just me thinking...
And HEY I'm a woman... Tomorrow I may change my mind... I can do that you know.