Here It Is

I write here not to be judge by everything I say but to get my feelings and words out of my mind. I do not want to be worrying about my thoughts and I have a good experience with writing my thoughts so I can get past them or make heads or tails of them.
My relationship status is the same. I am with the same man who I love but what we have is not enough for me and it is not fulfilling me in a way that I expect a committed relationship to.
I need a man to be my friend and to be there for me when I need him the most. Like if I get sick I need to know that my man will take care of me and help me. I need to be able to count on him for emotional and physical support. I feel that when worst comes to worst he bails on me. He has a set schedule of things he does in his life and if I need him in those times I am shit out of luck. He will not change his schedule for me. I dont feel that I can count or trust that he would be there for me.
I have tried this theory out many times so I am not just saying that I think these things, I know them to be true. Which brings me to the questions I am asking myself now.
This relationship is not a healthy one, so since I am still here in it does that in some way mean that I am unhealthy as well to some degree?
Well on the radio that is what the DJ said. That if a person is in a unhealthy relationship then they to some degree are too unhealthy. That a healthy person can not live in an unhealthy relationship because it goes against nature so to speak.

I do all I can for him, and in every aspect of everything I do it is not good enough. The house work, cooking, sexual stuff... Its always complaints that I dont do this enough or I wont do this or I dont do this right....
Its funny too with the sexual stuff because I thought that you were supposed to both make each others fantasy to a point, come true. He doesnt have the slightest clue about mine because hes too worried about me not doing what he wants me to do. I dont do it enough he wants to do this and he wants to do this...blah blah blah...
But I do not ever get the things I want anymore out of it. I need romance and actual passion...something that we havent had in a very long time. I want to feel the way he feels about me when we make love...and make love is a term I use loosly. Its never that either...Its always the other...and I am not going to say it...but its like Im the call girl who is supposed to do everything he wants no matter what I want, and if I do not get anything out of it O WELL! Its been like this for awhile...and I just dont crave that from him anymore. I dont have a desire to be intimate with him. Honestly I think Im falling out of love with him every day. And I feel that he could care less. As long as I dont bother him with my emotions, or want to talk about my feelings or needs so it doesnt mess up his life hes fine.

He used to always say that in his family it was custom to introduce yourself serve people be friendly. I think this only applies to him and his family because whenever my friends or family come over he is rude and ignores them. Except my grand parents.

The radio DJ said some things that have me thinking even more.
I think I am in love with him and I want a life with him and his family, his kids and I want more than what we have now someday, but I dont think he is in love with me. I think he is in need of me. I think he needs a person to come home to and a warm body to lay next to. Someone to do things with and share responsibilities.
I dont feel love from him.


One thing that hurt my feelings was I was going to have my wisdom tooth taken out and I asked him if he was going to take care of me, make me soup...half way kidding...he said yeah but Im going to be home late, I have to go to my sons football practice.

I dont think this will ever change. What if I needed him? What if I was in pain and actually needed him to be there for me to baby me or take care of me or make me dinner or something...Isnt that what you do when your in a relationship?
Ive done it for him...I cant keep giving him everything and getting nothing in return...Its making me bitter and unhappy and frankly angry! Why do I get thrown out every single time? Im not the girl who is here for you everytime and will be here even though you dont want to make some sacrifices for me...Comprimise!


I think the bottom line is I cant live this way and I dont deserve to be treated this way.
I deserve a man who loves me and wants to show me, who isnt threatened by me asking for attention or help around the house or affection or the things I need from him.
I need a man to be my best friend and my lover.
I dont have that with him and from almost 2 years, I dont think it will happen. He cant show me what he doesnt feel. This is a bitter pill to swallow but I know its true now.