Something

How do you get past your own feelings in order to be happy? Right now in my life things are spiralling out of control and I feel very helpless to stop them. All I want at this point is for things to be calm and happy, no tension...but everyday it is there waiting... Funny thing is I dont even know why it is like this.
I think sometimes I realize what is going on but right now I feel like I'm on a ride for the first time and I have no idea what is going to happen next, and that my friends is a very scary thing, especially when things are going downhill FAST!
I feel like a child who is expected to do all these things and expected to just shut up and listen. I am not sad anymore, I think now I'm getting angry. Although no one would know it. No body knows how I really feel...Does anyone ever ask and truly WANT you to answer the stupid question, "Whats wrong?" Does anyone even care to ask it?
Even if asked can you speak your mind FULLY without worrying about slipping up on a wrong word or two and causing a huge fight?
Not in my world. I say a ton of riduculous things and dont think that will ever change, in fact I dont think many things about me will ever change or that I even want them to!
I am messy and I HATE laundry and doing housework EVERYDAY! I want time at least one night a month away from my kids to have adult fun, I want to be loud and crazy sometimes and quiet and shy the next, I want to get drunk and have safe indoor fun, I want to go dancing....I dont want to be someones roomate and maid...which I feel right now..or to be comapared to the PERFECT EX wife...who I will NEVER be anything like....E-V-E-R.
I dont want to change or to try and be someone Im not just to make someone else happy...because after all I have been through at the end of the day I am just me...Nothing more.
I want to be someones equal. Someone who wants to share their life with me...not just let me live in theirs.
Im in a slump and I feel like I have to do something quick to help the situation...
Is it always so important to get your two cents out there in order to hear what someone else is feeling? Has ANYONE ever heard of just being there for someone else and NOT thinking about themselves? Doubt it.

Random things Im thinking and unless you have lived this before you do not know what Im talking about...but this is helpful for me...
At least I can talk (write) freely without judgement here!!
Thank God for that.