This Morning while in the bathroom I felt the morning breeze. First glanze at the bathroom window showed a half cracked open window, to my surprise! But after doing a double take I realize that it is in fact closed properly. The trees outside the window where still blowing in the cool breeze and I could no longer feel it.

I have a re-accuring "vision" so to speak. I can not say it is a dream beause I am wide awake when this scene replays in my mind.
I am swiming in a pool. A great big pool, and I am the only one in the pool at this time. I see my family, my aunts, uncles, mother, father, boyfriend, boyfriends kids, grand parents, cousins...., on the side standing over the water.
I am swiming under the water, and at first I am trying to figure out how long I can hold my breath under the water. I then realize that I can hold my breath infinitaly and I just swim around, like a mermaid. Im enjoying things down under the water but then start to ask myself what else can I do with this talen? I am confined to being under the water. What more does my life at this point have to offer? Is this all I will EVER do, swim carelessly under the water?? I begin to panick some, thoughts racing around in my head.
Then I hear my family getting loud. I cant hear what they are saying. They are yelling and pointing; I am under the water so I cant make out what they are saying.
I swim closer to the edge of the pool where they are lurking over and they are saying to me, "Kandace Breath!!"
The thought enters my mind like a stab in the heart and I think, Do they not know that if I breath my lungs will fill up with water and I will die?
Maybe that is what they are saying to me. At this point they are laughing and pointing at me.
I swim away and then it ends.

I think this is a metaphor for the way I feel right now.
The only question I have is HOW do I make it better???

Something

How do you get past your own feelings in order to be happy? Right now in my life things are spiralling out of control and I feel very helpless to stop them. All I want at this point is for things to be calm and happy, no tension...but everyday it is there waiting... Funny thing is I dont even know why it is like this.
I think sometimes I realize what is going on but right now I feel like I'm on a ride for the first time and I have no idea what is going to happen next, and that my friends is a very scary thing, especially when things are going downhill FAST!
I feel like a child who is expected to do all these things and expected to just shut up and listen. I am not sad anymore, I think now I'm getting angry. Although no one would know it. No body knows how I really feel...Does anyone ever ask and truly WANT you to answer the stupid question, "Whats wrong?" Does anyone even care to ask it?
Even if asked can you speak your mind FULLY without worrying about slipping up on a wrong word or two and causing a huge fight?
Not in my world. I say a ton of riduculous things and dont think that will ever change, in fact I dont think many things about me will ever change or that I even want them to!
I am messy and I HATE laundry and doing housework EVERYDAY! I want time at least one night a month away from my kids to have adult fun, I want to be loud and crazy sometimes and quiet and shy the next, I want to get drunk and have safe indoor fun, I want to go dancing....I dont want to be someones roomate and maid...which I feel right now..or to be comapared to the PERFECT EX wife...who I will NEVER be anything like....E-V-E-R.
I dont want to change or to try and be someone Im not just to make someone else happy...because after all I have been through at the end of the day I am just me...Nothing more.
I want to be someones equal. Someone who wants to share their life with me...not just let me live in theirs.
Im in a slump and I feel like I have to do something quick to help the situation...
Is it always so important to get your two cents out there in order to hear what someone else is feeling? Has ANYONE ever heard of just being there for someone else and NOT thinking about themselves? Doubt it.

Random things Im thinking and unless you have lived this before you do not know what Im talking about...but this is helpful for me...
At least I can talk (write) freely without judgement here!!
Thank God for that.

This Morning

So I got my kids dressed, groomed, fed and off to school.
I think today I will clean house, do laundry and try to find something creative to do...Maybe a new meal for tonights dinner?

With all the struggles and hard times and just plain stress in my life, I am lucky...In many ways